G and I have been married now for eight months. Knowing all that I do, eight months later, I thought I’d impart a little advice to my wittle bruver, now a husband, and his wonderful bride, Sarah.
There are some things in life that are hard, others that are easy, and then a few things that are both of those things, culminating in wonderful. Marriage is one of those things. Some days it’s easy and simple, other days hard and confusing. But it is altogether wonderful. Like all good things, when God created marriage, He made it to work a certain way, and when marriage is operating as God created it, it is wonderful. Problem is, marriage is two people submitting themselves to God in order to love one another. Two people becoming one. Just the thought of two people becoming one is incomprehensible. How in the world are two very different, very strong-willed people supposed to become one!? Well, I don’t have the answer to that one just yet, but I will share what I do know...
1. If at first you don’t succeed, maybe give it some time before you try again.
Perhaps this isn’t how the saying goes, but I’ll tell you why I say this. I embrace conflict. I want to attack it, in the moment, no holds barred… I mean a diamond doesn’t get awesome without some pressure, right!? But sometimes when you are working together and it isn’t quite going well, take a step back and maybe give it some time. Don’t push it.
Example 1: It’s a week or two back from our honeymoon and we decide to put one of those plastic window tinting sheets on our back door because it’s wide open to our neighbors back yard. We go to Lowe’s and buy the tinting roll and some all-encompassing package with way more tools than should be necessary. We go home and roll it out on our floor (which you should clean first). G is in charge of the roll and I’m put in charge of spraying the mess out of the door as it rolls down slowly. Have you ever done this? It’s extremely stressful. You have a few seconds at best to wet, roll, adjust, pull back up to remove the hair, re-wet, re-roll, and try to not get a bunch of bubbles. Then once you get it down, and you learn that there’s a bubble that apparently made it’s home in the middle of the dang thing, you try as fast as you can to redeem the hopeless situation. It seriously feels like a time bomb of stress.
Two people who have their own way of doing things, trying to communicate and put up that window tinting in a very compact amount of time. To complicate things, the tinting people put instructions on the roll. Problem is, they are not the same as the instructions on the all-encompassing package. Two people now justifiably at odds. For good measure, there was enough tinting to completely throw away our first attempt and try again [Insert piece of wisdom #1]. We gave it no time. No… instead we went for it. And it was not good. Let’s just say, 8 months later, when I look at our window tinting job I know that there is a God, and forgiveness is real. Take it from me brother, if at first you don’t succeed, maybe give it some time before you try again.
2. Being right is not necessarily being loving.
Let me be frank. I am almost always right. We’re talking at least 90% of the time. And somehow, G is almost always right. And yet somehow those don’t always line up. So who is right? I can justify my point in .5 seconds with verification from wikipedia (because we all know that’s trustworthy). Seriously, ask me anything. And G knows stuff about stuff that I can’t verify because who knows where to get the verification for Army speak!? I’m convinced that I’m gonna outsmart that man one of these days.
But seriously, who cares. I’ve learned to say that to myself. What matters more right now? Justifying that my route is definitely faster to get home, or just enjoying the ride? Seriously, who cares. To love G, is not to prove him wrong. For G to love me, is not to prove I’m wrong. Zach, you have a desire in you to say, know and act upon the truth. That’s a great desire and God will honor that. But there will come a time when you will need to say to yourself, "being right is not necessarily being loving." I pray you have the humility to act upon it. Feel free to pray for me too. :) And as G says, "if we all did things the same way, the world would be a very boring place."
3. It’s ok to do nothing.
I know myself and I know you Zach. We have this philosophy that we have one life, so we better use every second in the most purposeful way possible. That tends to mean intense pursuit of our goals, very disciplined use of our time, and little time for rest (unless it’s planned of course). But marriage has taught me to slow down, and just enjoy life. If you find yourself binge watching BSG (aka Battlestar Galactica) per your spouse’s suggestion, then you have arrived. These last 8 months have been simpler and more enjoyable in ways that I never knew I needed. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll have inner turmoil that you’re wasting time and not accomplishing things, but trust me, push through it. There won’t be many seasons of life where you have the time to enjoy (that’s right, ENJOY) a TV series where Cylons attack mankind and they decide to go searching for Earth. It’s doesn’t have to be Netflix. But doing simple things together, it’s important.
Enjoy it. Simplicity is not the norm. Before you know it, things will happen and your time will be sucked by the life monster. I hope you find yourself spending time with Sarah doing something you never imagined. And in that moment, you’ll realize you are enjoying something you never thought possible.
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Zach, you are one of the most determined, passionate, Jesus-loving guys I know. You pursue life with a ferocious desire for excellence. You work hard at all you do. My hope is that your marriage teaches you much about pursuing Sarah as Jesus has pursued you, and that you work hard at loving Jesus more than her. As G tells me regularly, “we’re not supposed to be perfect at it”, this marriage thing. Because well, that’s part of the journey.