Most people who know me would probably not use the word "fearful" to describe me. I tend to be fairly confident and capable feeling in most situations. Yet something I've been dealing with recently, and something that's been brought to my attention over the last two years is that there are certain situations that completely grip me with fear.
Today was one of them.
A fact about me is that lack of control makes me become very fearful. There are lots of repercussions for this, many of them spiritual. But today I was made very aware of my fear while swimming. "Wait, don't you swim regularly and do triathlons?"-what everyone reading should be thinking. Why yes, yes I do. And almost every time I get in open water I'm overcome with fear. If not at the beginning, usually about halfway through my swim, all I can think about is the unknown in the water because most water I swim in is extremely murky and nothing is visible.
This afternoon I had some free time and I wanted to swim at Barton Springs. So I went, feeling great and thinking I was about to dominate that cold water. Well I got in and swam to the end and then put on my goggles and put my face in the water, and about had a panic attack. I could see everything. Fish, lots of plants and things moving around. Freaked. me. out. I am still overwhelmed at how fearful I was. I got halfway down and had to stand on some stairs to regain my composure.
There were children and their parents diving down into the deep parts and people just having a great time, and there I was panicked and unsure if I could make it. The length of Barton Springs, not an issue, outside of the fact that my fear was taking my breath away. I was standing there coaching myself, "Kimberly, this is not a big deal. You like fish. Salamanders won't do anything. You've been snorkeling and loved it! You're just swimming AND getting to watch stuff!" So I kept going.
Slowly but surely after a few treks down and back, I was able to swim on top of the plant stuff and over deep sections. It was unreal... seriously I was so afraid and didn't think I could do it. I just took lots of deep breaths and remembered that courage is 'making decision without regard for fear.' That doesn't mean fear is not present, it is just not the deciding factor. In fact, to be courageous, there must be fear present.
I've felt super out of control many times in the last two years and thus very fearful. Learning how to walk in my lack of control, without regard for fear, has been such a process for me. I legitimately don't want to miss out on having faith and walking with Jesus because my pride and desire for control are too great. Little things like today remind me of that. Fear is not my master. Jesus is.
Creepy things in the water. People who intimidate me. Uncontrollable situations. The unknown. People thinking negative things about me. All of these can make me fearful. And yet none of them should master me or not allow me to experience fullness in trust and faith in Jesus.
So when I tell you I'm going swimming, it's a test of faith for me, not just a workout. It's choosing to continue to move forward without regard for fear every single stroke.
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