The Journey of Womanhood

I want to preface a new season of posts with this one. You see, many years ago I began a journey that I'm still on today, and will always be on. That journey has been learning what it means to be a woman. And not just a woman, but a woman deeply and radically in love with the God of the universe. Am I a woman? Am I a Godly woman? If so, how? And what does that actually mean practically for me, day in and day out?

This journey began many years ago, but I purposely began walking through things in regards to womanhood about three years ago. If you knew me in college, I believed myself to be a strong, independent, sometimes brash, but really just passionate girl. I claimed I wanted to be single for my life and wrote off dating and an interest in guys for a few reasons, primarily a need for control. I didn't like being girly really, and at times had difficulty accepting others who were like that because of multiple reasons. 

I tended to think most women (including myself) lived on a sliding scale with one extreme being uber girly sorority girl like and the other end being extremely masculine or just everything the other end is not. I will talk more on this at some point... 

But three years ago, a lot changed for me. I was in the Forge, an 8-month discipleship program at Pine Cove. It was a long process and at times painfully difficult, but very revealing. One of the biggest lessons I've carried with me came from a dear Forge brother of mine. You see, he lovingly told me that I wear a "not interested" or "keep away" sign on my forehead for guys to read. He told me that guys don't even approach me as someone they could date because of the way I carry myself. He gave me many more details in a analogy he created, but to sum it up, what he and a few dear guy friends told me later began a long journey of seeking to understand myself and the way I relate to God and then in turn, the way I relate to men and other women. 

So you may be asking yourself, "is this a series of posts covering all the junk she's uncovered in her life?" Well no. But it is an account of many of the lessons I've learned and conversations I've had along the way. I've already come up with 20+ posts which is basically just an indication of how much I've needed to learn.

The more that my life unfolds, the more I believe in the truth of scripture found in 2 Corinthians 1: 4, "blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ... who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any afflication." I've seen this played out so many times in my life, where just the right person has gone before me in an area and is able to encourage me as I follow them down certain paths. For me, I have had the privilege of sharing with different young women things I have learned in this area of life, and my blog is honestly the easiest place to share. 

I don't claim to have answers. I don't claim to have authority to speak on this. Goodness, I can give you the email of so many women I trust and have learned from in this process. I just want to share because God has taught me a lot and I feel the need to openly and transparently allow others the chance to be open and transparent about these things as well. I also have a lot of funny stories, and need a place to share. :) 

My name is Kimberly and I am a Godly woman. This is my story...

Why Tri??

Triathlons... slowly becoming a long-term friend. There are few reasons for this, but the main one is, we just get along. You know those friends that sometimes you just really don't like them, but it's just a temporary thing? You always get over it because the relationship is worth it. That's how I feel about triathlons. So here is a glimpse into my journal where I write letters to inanimate objects...


Dearest Triathlons,

It's seriously been so fun getting to know you! Who knew we would get along like we do? I can see how we are going to be long term friends. You really have a way with balancing fun and holding people to a standard. I like that about you. You never cease to amaze me with who all you know and how much people just plain like you! But you're hard on people. You push people and you don't let them stay mediocre; you force people to go to the next level. You're kind of intense like that.

We've spent some time together at this point. Remember our first encounter? I do... I was 24 and so naive. I had no idea we were just beginning our relationship. I thought it was going to be one of those seasonal things that comes and goes (like how I felt about Kristen sophomore year of college), but lo and behold you're still around (and thank goodness, so is she...)!

just a little shout out to Kristen

We are now at that place where we are comfortable with each other. I know how to act when I'm around you, and feel content in our relationship. But you've been telling me we need to go deeper, so here we go. October 7th we are taking our relationship to the next level, and I'm nervous. You've been kind to me thus far, but who's to say you're always that way!? I've heard stories about you pushing people to do crazy things, and maybe I'm one of them... but only time will tell.

As a mentor once told me, "time is your friend." So I'm taking it one step at a time and I'll do the same on October 7th. I have nothing to be afraid of, so let's do this thing! So here's to our friendship Triathlons... I hope it's a long one!

Yours truly,
Kimbo

Vacationing Ginnings Style

Gotta love vacation right?! I was able to go to New Mexico two weeks ago with my parents and have such a great time. You know those families that go to the beach and I guess lay on the beach all week? Yeah, that's not my family... I actually don't think I've ever been to the beach with my family. We are mountain people, kinda like this guy right here... 

marmot = mountain beaver

We rest but we also play, and play hard. 

Day 1: We went jeeping up a crazy path to an awesome lake in the middle of the mountains.

Day 2: Ziplining across mountain tops. Pretty legit. The zips were forever long it seemed. It was awesome and now I've been ziplining twice with my parents. 

Day 3: Hiked up New Mexico's highest mountain with my dad, Wheeler Peak. Then we all met up and had an incredible dinner. Lambert's in Taos, NM. Do it... it'll make your top 5 meals ever. And if it doesn't I'll let you take me back with you and I'll convince you of it. You can foot the bill. You're welcome. 

before summiting Wheeler Peak

a friend I made on the hike

outside Lambert's in Taos

on the summit

Day 4: Rest. And by rest I mean we built (mainly my dad) a walking trail around my grandparent's property. It'll be great for snowshoeing and for mountain biking. We also finished the Bourne trilogy that we watched all of on the trip. 

walking the trail at my grandparents

Day 5: Dad and I rented mountain bikes and rode those things down the ski mountain. Sound intense? It was. There was one point where I flew over my handle bars. I just got over the bruises from that fall... but it was TOTALLY worth it.

after coming down the mountain

Then to top it all off, I got to go to Arkansas that weekend for a Forge brother's wedding. Such an awesome wedding. You know it's gonna be a party when glow sticks are thrown onto the dance floor. 

It was an awesome week. Full of fun things and really fun people. It's always good to be back in Austin though and doing life here. More to come soon friends...

Being Mastered by Fear.

Most people who know me would probably not use the word "fearful" to describe me. I tend to be fairly confident and capable feeling in most situations. Yet something I've been dealing with recently, and something that's been brought to my attention over the last two years is that there are certain situations that completely grip me with fear.

Today was one of them.

A fact about me is that lack of control makes me become very fearful. There are lots of repercussions for this, many of them spiritual. But today I was made very aware of my fear while swimming. "Wait, don't you swim regularly and do triathlons?"-what everyone reading should be thinking. Why yes, yes I do. And almost every time I get in open water I'm overcome with fear. If not at the beginning, usually about halfway through my swim, all I can think about is the unknown in the water because most water I swim in is extremely murky and nothing is visible.

This afternoon I had some free time and I wanted to swim at Barton Springs. So I went, feeling great and thinking I was about to dominate that cold water. Well I got in and swam to the end and then put on my goggles and put my face in the water, and about had a panic attack. I could see everything. Fish, lots of plants and things moving around. Freaked. me. out. I am still overwhelmed at how fearful I was. I got halfway down and had to stand on some stairs to regain my composure.

There were children and their parents diving down into the deep parts and people just having a great time, and there I was panicked and unsure if I could make it. The length of Barton Springs, not an issue, outside of the fact that my fear was taking my breath away. I was standing there coaching myself, "Kimberly, this is not a big deal. You like fish. Salamanders won't do anything. You've been snorkeling and loved it! You're just swimming AND getting to watch stuff!" So I kept going.

Slowly but surely after a few treks down and back, I was able to swim on top of the plant stuff and over deep sections. It was unreal... seriously I was so afraid and didn't think I could do it. I just took lots of deep breaths and remembered that courage is 'making decision without regard for fear.' That doesn't mean fear is not present, it is just not the deciding factor. In fact, to be courageous, there must be fear present.

I've felt super out of control many times in the last two years and thus very fearful. Learning how to walk in my lack of control, without regard for fear, has been such a process for me. I legitimately don't want to miss out on having faith and walking with Jesus because my pride and desire for control are too great. Little things like today remind me of that. Fear is not my master. Jesus is.

Creepy things in the water. People who intimidate me. Uncontrollable situations. The unknown. People thinking negative things about me. All of these can make me fearful. And yet none of them should master me or not allow me to experience fullness in trust and faith in Jesus.

So when I tell you I'm going swimming, it's a test of faith for me, not just a workout. It's choosing to continue to move forward without regard for fear every single stroke.

Obedience to the Command of Jesus.

Lately, I've been thinking on a few things: such as the intensity of the darkness in this world and hard issues that people all around me face, the pain that is seemingly inevitable, and the almost defeated feeling of never feeling like you're making a difference in the midst of it all...

Being in my line of work and honestly just in my life, I see and hear A LOT. On a daily basis. I honestly wonder sometimes at how to continue moving forward. Should we focus on this person or this person? Should I put more into this relationship because the person is hurting so much? How do we even make a dent in all of this madness!?

Today I was reading in 'My Utmost for His Highest' and was reminded of a great and foundational truth. The controlling factor in how I determine what to do is not the needs of people, but the command of Jesus. The question is not 'am I doing this great deed or that great deed, but am I walking in obedience to Jesus Christ?' I want to share this, because it encouraged me today.

I'll be honest, I'm the person that skips over excerpts a lot when they are in books. But when someone takes the time to quote someone else, it's probably because that person says it much better. And let's be real, 'ole Ozzy (can I call Oswald Chambers that?) can say it way better than I can. Enjoy...

"A missionary is someone sent by Jesus Christ just as He was sent by God. The great controlling factor is not the needs of people, but the command of Jesus. The source of our inspiration in our service for God is behind us, not ahead of us. The tendency today is to put the inspiration out in front - to sweep everything together in front of us and make it conform to our definition of success. But in the New Testament the inspiration is put behind us, and is the Lord Jesus Himself. The goal is to be true to Him - to carry out HIS plans.

Personal attachment to the Lord Jesus and to His perspective is the one thing that must not be overlooked. In missionary work the great danger is that God's call will be replaced by the needs of the people, to the point that human sympathy for those needs will absolutely overwhelm the meaning of being sent by Jesus. The needs are so enormous, and the conditions so difficult that every power of the mind falters and fails. We tend to forget that the one great reason underneath all missionary work is not primarily the elevation of the people, their education, not their needs, but is first and foremost the command of Jesus Christ - "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations..." (Matt. 28:19). 

When looking back on the lives of men and women of God, the tendency is to say, "What wonderfully keen and intelligent wisdom they had, and how perfectly they understood all that God wanted!" But the keen and intelligent mind behind them was the mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the divine guidance of God being exhibited through childlike people who were "foolish" enough to trust God's wisdom and His supernatural equipment."

- My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers